02/03/2024

Dear Lord, you know the turmoil that is filling me this morning. The turmoil that drives out the peace with which I am usually able to turn my heart and mind to you. My brain is messed up still by the medicines I take. Too many always leave my brain and  body not as you created me to be, but that will soon pass.

Most of all, however, is the fundamental problem that makes me despise myself by my lack of self-control. The Prodigal returned from his lifetime debauchery to the open arms of his father who welcomed him with the love that had never wavered, but confrontation in my world between human beings often takes on dimensions of hate that cannot be overcome.

The elder son was made bitter with jealousy. He viewed his Father with "eyes of Justice" . "It is not right that my father does not recognise my worth to him but makes such a show of joyful support for him who has wasted his share of our family wealth but been welcomed home by a huge  party."

I can understand and empathise with the elder son whereas the younger son leaves me cold. It is not that I haven't received mercy. My "eyes of justice" tell me that I have never deserved the forgiveness of Our Father, but there is always something that comes out of the centre of my being that is really fond of myself and has nothing to do with love or justice. 

Dear Lord me help to overcome this secret presence in my heart that is an open book to you. Help me to overcome this "devil" that is now sniggering at the success it has had in putting my soul in danger of again failing you. You are not the father of the prodigal son. That father did not treat his children equally and thus broke your law of mercy ( love your neighbour as yourself) which, as does the rain, falls equally on sinners and on just. May Mary and the Saints pray that you seek out all sinners such as me and help us to overcome the self love that still creates evil even when I know your loving presence and recognise the torments I continue to create for Jesus to endure on my behalf.